Finding Happiness

Increasingly, I am aware of a staggering number of family, friends and co-workers that seem to be struggling with their lives, searching for the magic place known as happiness. And, I must confess that I am often in the trenches with them. Fortunately, I’m eternally optimistic and have strove to perfect the practice of self-evaluation and introspection over the last several years. Whether from maturity or natural sensitivity, I have for many years clung to the belief that I had to be happy with myself, first and foremost.

Curious as to why I write on this topic today? Well, I happened across an insightful and easily readable piece on Oprah.com, “The Truth about Magic Lists.” ( http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/omag/ss_omag_200802_mbeck.jhtml) The piece was written by Martha Beck, a life coach and published author. The piece struck a nerve with me because it speaks so openly about the difference between what we want on the surface and what truly makes us happy and fulfilled as human beings. Her contention that “….no external person, place or thing can ‘make’ us happy.” is exactly what I’ve been telling myself for years.

Perhaps, this is why over the last several months, as I’ve finally allowed myself to relax, to enjoy my family and friendships, as I’ve learned to love my body as it is and without recriminations, as I’ve let go of trying to please everyone else and worrying about monetary possessions, that I’ve finally started to feel some small measure of true peace and joy. Not happiness based on someone else’s attention or approval, not contentment due to financial independence, but sheer joy in the connections of my life, in who I am, what I may become, who I love and treasure.

And, I think it is for this same reason that the flood gate of positivity has finally swung my way. No longer lost in the shadows of self doubt and insecurity, I’m finally the positive influence that I always knew that I could be. Am I blissfully happy with everything in my life? Of course not. There are so many things that I still want to accomplish and experiment with, but I’m happy with myself.

So, according to Ms. Beck, now is the time for me to make my Magic List. It won’t contain a physical description of Mr. Right. It won’t contain a manifest of monetary possessions. A description of the perfect job with an obscene salary will be noticeable absent. My happiness lies with me…I want family, friends, comfort, companionship, understanding, joy, fun, amusement, challenges, passion and security.

Wish me luck! But, I don’t think that I’ll need it.

Feminism in the New Millennium - Part I

Yesterday’s blog elicited such a strong response that I felt it was prudent to follow up my “Is women’s liberation a crock?” blog with a more in-depth explanation of my intent when writing it. What has surprised me so greatly is the number of men that have very strong opinions on the subject, demonstrating once again, that perspective definitely colors our perception of reality.

First of all, I am a bitch. Part of the manifesto’s premise is that women do and should self classify themselves as such. It is perhaps wise for me to define why I am a bitch, as there appears to be some confusion, perpetuated by my giving only a sampling of Ms. Freeman’s work. (The entire piece can be read and reviewed at Jo Freeman.com.) My self definition, as a bitch, is not derogatory in any way. It serves only to define who and what I am and embraces the independent spirit of the feminist movement.

Personality - I am aggressive, assertive and strong-minded, blunt, candid and hard-headed. Through the years, I’ve learned to restrain my competitive drive and boisterousness to a certain extent, but I am still driven, ambitious and demanding. Ms. Freeman states, “A bitch occupies a lot of psychological space. You always know she is around.” My friends can attest to my embodiment of the statement. I live it, breathe it and embrace it.

Physical - I am big, tall, strong, large, loud, and somewhat brash at times. I differ with Ms. Freeman when she states that bitches are ugly. I think this is perhaps one of the areas that I struggle with the most in my day to day life. Ugly for me is a choice. I choose to be pretty, feminine in appearance and well put together.

Orientation - Always striving to be a subject, rather than an object, my identity is clearly defined by my own actions, behaviors and attributes. I am not your wife; I am Christine. I am not your girlfriend; I am Christine. I am not Kendall’s mother; I am Christine. I choose to fulfill the role of wife, mother or girlfriend, but first and foremost, I am Christine. It is a very subtle difference that is often overlooked by the population at large.

Proudly, I wear the badge of a bitch, because I choose to, not because someone defines me as such. And, it is not by their definition, but my own that I choose to live.

The purpose of the blog was not to complain that life isn’t fair or that I’m tired of being judged and classified, but rather to lift up a voice to state that I choose not to fit the stereotype, the role defined by the feminist movement. My choice is to fight, daily, to maintain a balance between the traditional woman and the feminist.

The purpose of the blog was to declare at the top of my lungs that I want more. But, then again, perhaps, what I want is less, less independence and more of a partnership, less competition and more cooperation.

My opinion is that the feminist movement was about striving for more. Woman wanted their own identity, their own self-worth and self-reliance. Many of us now have that. What I’ve learned is that I don’t want or need everything on my own. The pendulum has swung from one extreme to the other and I find that what I want is to be in the middle. I do not want to dominate, but I want to be equal. I do not want to be militantly independent; I want to co-depend.

So, for the men in my life, friends, co-workers, family, my blog was not about bitching, but about embracing the spirit of the bitch, while proudly proclaiming that I’m still a woman, a little girl, a daughter, a mother and a friend.

For the women in my life, the blog was about validating the questions, shedding light on the struggle and opening a door for discussion and self discovery.

Is women's liberation a crock?

As I’ve moved past the uncertainty of my 20s and in to the calm and comfort of my mid-30s, I catch myself doing much reflection on who I am, what I want, and how I fit in the world in which I find myself. By and large, I feel good about myself, who I am, and what’ve accomplished. But, increasingly, I feel isolated and at odds with people’s perception of who and what I am or at least what they think that I should be.

In Jo Freeman’s, “The BITCH Manifesto”, originally published in the late 60’s, she talks about the duality that is a bitch; she is female, but never a true woman. She goes on to define the three basic characteristics of bitches. I have reproduced them in part below:

1) Personality. Bitches are aggressive, assertive, domineering, overbearing, strong-minded, spiteful, hostile, direct, blunt, candid; […] A bitch occupies a lot of psychological space. You always know she is around. A Bitch takes shit from no one. You may not like her, but you can’t ignore her.
2) Physical. Bitches are big, tall, strong, large, loud, brash, harsh; […] They have loud voices and often use them. Bitches are not pretty.
3) Orientation. Bitches seek their identity strictly thru themselves and what they do. They are subjects, not objects….They are independent cusses and believe they are capable of doing anything they damn well want to…. More often they are accused of domineering when doing what would be considered natural by a man.

According to Freeman, one must posses at least two of the qualities above in order to be considered a Bitch. “Their attitudes toward themselves and other people, their goal orientations, their personal style, their appearance and way of handling their bodies, all jar people and make them feel uneasy.” ~ J. Freeman

Much of what is contained within the manifesto strikes a powerful emotional cord with my psyche, but I believe that the pendulum of expectation has swung far and wide from the reality in which Ms. Freeman found herself in the mid 60s.

In the forty years since the feminist movement, much progress has been made by women to penetrate careers and occupations that were once male dominated. But, I wonder at what price? Why after 40 years are woman that are perhaps different, not quite as defined in the manifesto, still persecuted and made to feel uncomfortable and uneasy.

Why is it now wrong for a woman to want the role that was traditionally defined as female? I, often, feel guilty because I’m not happy, not completely satisfied, with my life as it exists today. Shouldn’t I be? I’m the very definition of a bitch in so many ways, the very type of woman that the feminist movement sought to uplift and liberate. I’m single, with a great job in a predominately male oriented field. I have two awesome kids and absolutely no one on the earth that I hold myself accountable too.

Why is it wrong for me to want a man in my life? The five years since my divorce have been driven by the primary purpose of proving that I don’t need a man in order to succeed, only to learn that success is not necessarily happiness and is often very hollow and unrewarding. Why can’t I want someone just to hold me? Protect me? Make a decision or two for me? Why does society dictate that I always lead?

Finally, I wonder if I’m the only woman in the world that feels this way. Am I the only one struggling with an identity that is both powerful and strong, yet vulnerable and sensitive?

The feminists believed that you could have it all…career, family, independence and that you didn’t need anyone but yourself in order to be happy, fulfilled, and successful. Now, 40 years later, I wonder if anyone has actually reached that magical balance or like me, do they have a million roles they are juggling and a sense that perhaps they are only performing each function at a certain level a mediocrity.

I’ll write more on this subject later. I have multiple topics in mind:
* Now that I posses the traits of a bitch, is there even a man out there that would want me?
* How much of my bitchiness am I willing compromise?
* Why can’t bitches get along? Home. Work. Socially.
* Why can’t bitches be pretty? Does it make me more intimidating than the societally approved bitch if I am pretty or feminine?